So it started at 15 when I would feel really awful about myself and I felt like I was worthless, no one liked me and no one wanted me to be here. This was untrue I had friends, family who loved me and I was not worthless, however my mind told me I was and I believed it. TRIGGER WARNING I began to self harm which was me cutting my arms to the point where I began to enjoy it, I liked the feeling of cutting my skin and didn't want to stop due to enjoying it.
At 16 after hating myself for a year something major happened which effects me badly to this day, I was in school and something changed it was like a switch went in my brain and I couldn't breath everything went funny and I went lightheaded before almost being sick, I thought I was going to pass out and thought I was having a heart attack, this was the start of my panic attacks.
I had this so bad I was pulled from school and to this day I hate them, I can't go near a school and I can never go in one. This made me go silent and not talk to anyone my mum noticed right away and took me to the doctors, I was placed on anti depressants and this was the start of getting better. I was told to go to counselling and I started to smile more and feel like I was suppose to be here.
This carried on for several years I would be happy and then awfully sad. I would go on tablets and then off them, I would cut and then heal again. It was a never ending cycle of hating myself then being so happy, it confused people which made me feel odd.
I learnt to hide it and learnt to make myself happy to keep people from asking questions, I kept up with my doctors appointments and one day I realised I was no longer faking being happy, I was actually happy. I had nice friends, a good job, a loving family and also hobbies which made me happy and I suddenly stopped taking tablets, stopped speaking to doctors and stopped hurting myself.
I want to end this post saying I'm better but I can't as I don't want to lie, I get low all the time and get restless, worried, my anxiety fits back, I panic, I don't talk and I hate myself but I always pull through knowing it's only going to last a few days. Family notice and always give me space, friends take note and always reassure me it's going to be fine, this works for me and I'm so grateful for that.
To keep myself from going back to being ill I always keep myself busy, writing a blog helps and also travelling helps me a lot. I keep busy and take the time I need to heal and rest before going back to life again, it's important to do this just to restart,
If you have been affected by this post you can email me directly at jessb1991@gmail.com you can go to this website here, thank you x
No comments:
Post a Comment